I am reading How To Not Die Alone by behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury. I do not fear ending up alone. Nor am I particularly interested in meeting new people through dates. Even though I’m in a happy, long-term relationship, I’m always looking to grow, and understanding attachment theory offers valuable insights.

What Is Attachment Theory?

So, what is attachment theory? Great question! In a nutshell, attachment theory is like the “why” behind our relationship patterns. It’s a framework for understanding why we’re attracted to certain types of people and why our past relationships played out the way they did. The theory, first developed by John Bowlby, suggests that our early bonds with caregivers set the stage for how we form relationships throughout life. Basically, those early experiences might influence how we connect with others down the road. Bowlby described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Fancy, right?

What Are Attachment Styles?

Another excellent question! Mary Ainsworth, a prominent psychologist, identified three primary attachment styles that people tend to develop based on their early experiences: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Let’s break them down:

Secure Attachment: If you’ve got this style, congratulations! You’re generally reliable and trustworthy in relationships, and you’re capable of building healthy, long-term connections. Securely attached folks tend to be comfortable with intimacy and independence. They feel safe sharing their needs and emotions, and they’re the empathetic types we all love. About 50% of the population falls into this category.

Anxious Attachment: If you find yourself craving closeness, validation, and approval, this might resonate with you. People with an anxious attachment style often experience intense emotions and worry about their relationships. They may fear abandonment and struggle with expressing their needs directly. It’s important to recognize that while these feelings are valid, they can make maintaining a healthy relationship challenging. The good news is that understanding this attachment style can be the first step toward developing healthier patterns and working towards a more secure way of relating.

Avoidant Attachment: Independence and self-sufficiency are often valued by those with an avoidant attachment style. However, this can sometimes lead to difficulty in forming close emotional connections. While it’s normal to need space, an avoidant style can result in keeping others at a distance and struggling with intimacy. Recognizing these tendencies is crucial because, while self-sufficiency is a strength, it can also prevent deep, meaningful connections. The goal is to balance independence with the ability to form close, supportive relationships.

Taking the Next Step

Curious about your attachment style? There’s a quiz you can take to find out. It includes detailed explanations of each style. Recognizing your attachment style is the first step toward personal growth and healthier relationships. It’s important to remember that anxious and avoidant attachment styles are not flaws but rather patterns developed over time. Understanding these patterns can help you work towards a more secure attachment style at your own pace. Whether you’re strengthening an existing relationship or preparing for future ones, understanding and evolving your attachment style can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections.

So, take the quiz, learn more about yourself, and start your journey toward a happier, healthier relationship!

Sources

How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury
verywellmind

Banner Photo By: Lawrence Crayton