It’s a question that can provoke deep reflection, especially when confronted with events that feel beyond our influence. While our circumstances, like where we are born or sudden life changes, might seem to dictate our path, focusing solely on these aspects can lead to a sense of helplessness. Instead, there is power in shifting our perspective—choosing how we respond to life’s challenges can transform our experience and open new doors to personal growth.

What Do We Really Control in Our Lives?

A few years ago, I leaned heavily towards what psychologists call an “external attribution style”—the belief that most of what happens in life is due to external factors beyond one’s control. This mindset, which I learned about in the book Crazy Busy: Keeping Sane in a Stressful World, made me feel like my sphere of influence was minuscule. I believed that my circumstances were mostly dictated by luck, other people, or societal forces. However, I soon realized that this way of thinking had a profound impact on my mental health.

After learning more about the damaging effects of feeling powerless and how much better people generally feel when they believe they have some control over their lives, I decided to change my approach. I started actively intercepting my “helpless” thoughts and worked to reframe them, shifting towards a mindset of greater personal agency. This shift helped me recognize that, while I can’t control everything, there is still a lot—like my attitude, choices, and actions—that I can control.

Balancing Control and Dumb Luck

I’m extremely fortunate in many ways, not the least of which is having friends and family who genuinely care about me (and I, about them). While I didn’t have control over when or how I would meet these incredible people, I (and the other person) did choose to build and maintain these relationships once they entered my life. In that sense, the initial meeting might have been “dumb luck,” but the decision to cultivate these friendships were within my control.

Yet, these instances of “dumb luck” have profoundly shaped the context in which my life unfolds. This makes me wonder: to what extent can I even grant myself control over my life?

There’s a delicate balance, I think, between where control stops and luck begins. I can choose to keep certain friends close while allowing others to drift away, just as I can decide to develop certain skills that interest me. However, the range of skills available to me and my capacity to learn them depend on factors like time, energy, and resources—all of which are influenced by circumstances beyond my control.

In many ways, the choices available to anyone—be it relationships, career opportunities, or educational paths—are shaped by external influences. Still, within these boundaries, you have the power to decide which paths to pursue and how to respond to what life presents. This small bit of choice, this sliver of control, is yours to exercise. It may be limited, but it’s where your true agency lies.

Take Ownership of Your Achievements

It’s important to acknowledge the areas where you have control and to take pride in the accomplishments that arise from your efforts. By attributing your successes to your own efforts, you reinforce the belief in your capacity to shape your life. In my own experience this perspective bolsters your self-confidence and encourages a more active role in pursuing your goals, leading to greater personal growth and a richer, more rewarding life experience – an incredible feeling I hope everyone can experience.

If you, like I once did, feel overwhelmed by the uncontrollable aspects of life, consider starting small. Focus on what you can change: your daily habits, the way you speak to yourself, the people you choose to spend time with, and the goals you set for yourself. While you may not be able to control everything that happens, you can always influence your actions and reactions to an extent.

Conclusion: Finding Power in Your Choices

I’ve come to believe that while we can’t control every aspect of our lives, we can control how we engage with the world around us. It’s important to recognize where luck or misfortune has played a role in our circumstances and to be humble about the fortunate contexts we find ourselves in. At the same time, we should take pride in the hard work we put in. It’s equally vital to be understanding of ourselves and others who may face sheer misfortune without losing sight of the areas where we still have some control and influence.

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Banner Photo By: Matt Howard